I have a hard time letting things go. I’m quite stubborn and I like to be in control, and one of the key components of being “in control” is having the ability to affect change in whatever situation I’m dealing with. Unfortunately, like many people this year, I’ve had to accept that I actually have control over far fewer things than I’d like. And I’ve also had to come to terms with the fact that this need for control has caused me quite a bit of unnecessary suffering in my life.
However, I recently developed a new approach that I’ve found helpful when trying to detach from my need to be in control: I call it the “Dead Fish Strategy.” It's unclear exactly why I picked fish specifically - it’s a pretty universal concept, so I think I’m desensitized enough to the idea. There’s something that’s too traumatizing about a dead mammal of any kind, so those were out, but people still own fish as pets even though there seems to be little evidence that said fish are conscious of their position in life. It’s sort of a one-way street as far as affection goes.
Anyway, here’s the idea behind the Dead Fish Strategy: bring to mind something about your life that you cannot change but perhaps are mourning the end of. It could be the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or even the actual death of your pet fish. Whatever it is, you need to be at least partly willing to accept that no matter what you do, the event has happened, and there is no going back from it. There’s likely some suffering attached to this event; you could be grieving the loss of what was, as well as stressed or anxious about how you’re going to move forward while adapting to the new changes this event will bring. I then visualize myself holding this situation in my hands, and I describe to myself how it feels in my head. I name the anxiety, the hurt, the fear, and all of the feelings that I attach to this event. And then, once I’ve made the situation as tangible as possible in my mind, I replace the situation in my hands with an image of a cold, scaly, lifeless fish.
I know. It sounds strange. But here’s why it works.
We consciously know that life is finite. When something dies, it’s dead. It’s over. There’s no coming back to life. We can accept this fact on its own, but sometimes we can’t accept it when it’s placed in different contexts. On top of this, when we attach strong emotions to something in our lives, they can prevent us from accepting the reality when it comes to an end. After all, denial is the first step in the grieving process, and for good reason: it’s one of our brains’ most powerful coping mechanisms for when a negative change takes place. The problem for people like me is that denial can be fueled by an inherent need for control; it can keep us fighting the reality, which creates unnecessary suffering around the situation. The solution for this, put simply, is to recognize that the fish is dead, and accept that there’s nothing that you can do to bring it back to life.
I should add that it’s important to give yourself space to grieve before you attempt the Dead Fish Strategy. The Dead Fish Strategy is not a substitute for the grieving process. You cannot attempt to simply reason yourself out of grief, because emotions don’t always respond to rational thought (and in my experience, they rarely do). The Dead Fish Strategy is to be employed when you have allowed yourself to experience the stages of grief as they relate to your unique situation, but for some reason you still can’t seem to let. it. go.
You can hug that dead fish as much as you want; it’s not going to love you back anymore. You could vow to be the best employee that fish has ever had, but the fish is dead, so it doesn’t care about your work ethic. You can try as hard as you can to wish the fish back to life, but that’s not going to get you anywhere either. The fish isn’t going to change; it’s dead, and now you need to move on with your life.
Because sometimes, it doesn’t matter how you feel about your ex. It doesn’t matter how dedicated you were to your employer. It doesn’t matter how many pre-COVID plans you had for this year.
The fish is dead. And you need to let it go.
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